So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
