He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
