Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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