***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
