Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
how do flat chested girls get laid?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
