hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
