I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
