Define "chronic" masturbator.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize