listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Randomize
