The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I want to be your penis for a week.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize