He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
