While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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