she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
