I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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