Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
