I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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