remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
