fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
