It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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