my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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