The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I think I just sharted jello shots
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