I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize