Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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