Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
