I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i think i have herpe
just one?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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