If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
