I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
