You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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