Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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