Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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