Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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