Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
