ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize