Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
