Ambien. No doubt about it.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
