How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
