I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
