My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
