you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
