I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
