It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
