okay pat passed out under dana's car
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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