a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
