I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
