I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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