Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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