i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
