I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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