So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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