please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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