So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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