hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
