Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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