I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
