Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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