If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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