If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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