the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
