I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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