i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I forget how to act sober
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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