when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
