I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
